Love Thyself
Rule no-18: If you want to change the ways others treat you, you should first change the way you treat yourself, fully and sincerely, there is no way you can't be loved. Once you achieve that stage, however, be thankful for every thorn that others might throw at you. It is a sign that you will soon be showered in roses.
When do we want people to change the ways they treat us? Obviously, it is when they are treating us negatively. However, sometimes, we are the people who give others the power to treat us badly. There are times when others treat us badly because they have understood that we would not stand for ourselves. There may be many reasons for not standing for oneself. Sometimes it may be because we are trying to avoid a conflicting situation. Sometimes, it is just a lack of self-confidence and self-esteem and sometimes it's just our self-conception that is being percolated to others even without our telling them anything.
Shamz says that there is no way that you can't be loved, however, how many of us love ourselves unconditionally? We are always judging ourselves, always trying to match ourselves with the standards we think are right. We do not realise that these standards are created by society and culture and just to conform to our external environs, we judge ourselves by these standards. They have been created to keep a balance and not to create a competition among people and most importantly within ourselves – we just don’t want to fall out of pace with our environs. Most times we are unaware that we are comparing or judging ourselves. Most of us do not accept the way we are and hence starts the judging and criticizing in our heads. We are scolding or degrading ourselves in cruelest of manners. We become so habitual about it that sometimes we don't even realise that we are doing it.
When I was going through some turbulent times in my life, my coach told me to repeat to myself the following; 'I completely and sincerely love and accept myself’. He told me to repeat it several times a day. I kept on repeating it but it didn't help because it was a mechanical repetition: I was still criticising myself for all small and big things.
I realised that to make this affirmation work, I need not only to believe in it, I had to live accordingly. I started questioning myself as to how do I know that whatever I am thinking about myself is correct and true? So, I started by thinking that everyone has potential to change. Loving oneself means striving for growth and happiness. Loving oneself also means caring, respecting and not judging oneself. The standards and morals are set by society so that there can be a harmony, system, and growth among individuals. The standards and morals are also necessary for the enhancing civilizations and societies. However, when these very standard and morals become a hindrance in personal growth and happiness then it’s time to take a look at them from a different angle.
I decided that whatever my standards are, I am reaching them by constant efforts from my side. These constant efforts were not huge tasks or big changes but small efforts to look for a positive side in an adverse situation, to give myself a pat if I did look good, to appreciate my efforts even though I was failing in certain situations. These small changes in my behaviour gave me reasons to appreciate myself for my efforts. I also realised that loving starts from not criticizing oneself. I strongly believe that if I can't love my own self, then I can't love anyone around. This makes me believe in the affirmation and I stopped cursing and abusing myself.
I have started accepting myself. I have started reflecting on my actions with a non-judgmental
It has been a great change in my life. I feel that by respecting myself, I do not take everything from people. I can and will break free from social norms. Even though I was not conforming to them earlier, now I realize that I was constantly degrading myself for not trying harder to fit in the norms set by the people around me and the society. This mindset changed as I accept myself the way I am. I stopped taking crap from people and started standing up for myself. This is seen by many as me being selfish or being very argumentative but these tags do not affect me anymore as now I feel that it is more important that I love and accept the way I am. This has also made me find ways to enjoy myself and to find ways to grow. I realised that I can distance myself from things and people that are a hindrance to my growth.
Even when we think that we do not deserve to be loved or respected, we should love ourselves. We can start by thinking that we are loving and accepting ourselves. It will be easier to do as then we do not argue with your rational mind. As we know our actions are motivated by our needs and hence in however way we have behaved in the past we have done it because that was what we felt was needed at that time. This type of thinking leads to acceptance. The famous actor Michael J fox has put acceptance in a beautiful way, “Acceptance doesn’t mean resignation; it means understanding that something is what it is and that there’s got to be a way through it.” It suggests growth mindset, it tells us that there is a way and that way will certainly lead us to fulfillment.
Treating ourselves with kindness and compassion leads to acceptance. We need to feel special and that certainly doesn't mean better from others. As soon as we start treating ourselves with kindness and love we start feeling special. This gives the motivation to lead a better life. One starts distancing oneself from harmful things and people and starts associating with everything which leads to the growth of mind and soul.
As Shamz says, as soon as you start loving yourself you may receive certain criticism and judgment from people. Of course, one can be labeled as selfish and self-centered. There is a huge difference between loving oneself and being selfish. Loving oneself always leads to growth and inclusive happiness whereas being selfish leads to negativity all around. One needs to identify the difference by seeing what his/her actions are leading to. Is there happiness inside and outside by the decisions taken and acted upon? If yes, then it is the sign that you are on the right path and it will lead you to a more fulfilling life. Charlie Chaplin was very right when he said, 'Even when planets collide, from chaos a star is born." So go ahead and love thyself because you are the star of your own movie called life!
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