When a chatterbox became silent

“I am going for Vipassana!”, I told one of my friends. “Really? Will you be able to stay without speaking for ten days?”. Anyone who knows me, knows what kind of a chatterbox I am. Speaking and being open about my feelings to anyone and everyone comes easy to me. Although I know fully well that it makes me vulnerable but then trusting people also is one of my qualities. Anyway, my decision to go to Vipassana, a ten days meditation course came as a surprise to a few of my friends. This was not so much because they couldn’t think of me doing meditation but more because they couldn’t think of me being silent for a day, let alone for ten days! 

Despite my dedication, I was afraid that I would chicken out at the last moment. I had done it five years back; I used my broken leg as an excuse. This time, however, I was determined to go and requested the center to prepone my course so that I did not have time for second thoughts. Luckily, they contacted me back and said that I could do it from the next day onwards. It was short notice, and again I was in dilemma. Consulted a few friends and took the plunge. 

The course was in Jaipur. The journey to Jaipur was pleasant and I reached the center without a problem. The registration process took an hour, I then went to my room. The room was a shock. Although I was not expecting any kind of luxury, the room was nothing to what I had expected. It was small and clean but the mattress, pillow and blanket were ancient and smelling. The whole place must have been built in the 70s and hardly anything must have happened construction wise since then: hence everything had a very unpleasant smell. The door had a one-foot wide iron mesh which was good for summers but in winters it will let freezing air in. The iron framed windows were not closing properly. The night temperature was close to 7 or 8 degrees, for a girl who even feels cold in the monsoon season it was a bit too much to bear. I tried changing the room but it didn’t work out. I chided myself for being too demanding and decided to bear with it. After all, it’s only ten days and anyways we are supposed to live like ‘bikkhus’ (monks). 

The course began with a briefing where we were told the rules and regulations and were given the schedule of the course. After that we had snacks and then we were told to assemble in meditation hall where we were told that we have to follow five precepts i.e. not to kill, steal, indulge in sexual misconduct, tell lies and use intoxicants. “Oh, very easy” was my response, “Nothing of this sort is possible here, especially when your phone is already deposited with them.” 

We were also told to observe noble silence i.e. silence of body, speech, and mind. We should not communicate with fellow students, whether by gestures, sign language, written notes, etc... Later during the course this was the very thing that I enjoyed very much. Not speaking meant not putting any efforts in introducing yourself, not evaluating others, no small talk nor confirming the weather and no tolerating of fake attitudes and not getting attached to people with same vibes as yours. But even better for me, was no communication through gestures which meant no polite smiles, apologetic smiles, appreciating smiles, sarcastic smiles, wondering smiles or any other smiles to convey any kind of thought, reaction or judgement. This was probably one of the best things that I experienced there. 

A very loud but soothing gong woke me up the next day at 4 am and then volunteers came with small bells to make sure that we do get out of bed and go to the meditation hall by 4.30. We were supposed to focus on the breath for next two hours. Every two breaths the mind was wandering and every two breaths I was bringing it back. The only good part was that my mind was not dwelling in the past. It did wander planning things for future but since I had so much ambiguity about future events it didn’t feel that good to plan things for future. My mind decided to focus on the aches and pains that started to appear almost as soon as we sat and kept on increasing in intensity. First whole day went in wondering if I would be able to complete the course or would I be a coward and quit. 

I was dreading the second day as in the opening lecture, Mr. Goenka said that usually students tell that second and sixth days are the hardest ones. I have no idea why this is. May be because the second day they realise how difficult its going to be and on he sixth day they just give up fighting on an emotional and at the same time a spiritual battle. I had heard that peoples’ pent-up emotions become too torturous for them and they quit in the initial days. I had heard that people cry and become emotional and upset. Although I was restless the whole day, I didn’t get anywhere even close to such kind of a state. I realized that it was because I do not keep baggage with me. All my friends know that I have tear taps installed in my eyes and only tiny bit has to happen for them to start in full flow. I laugh at the drop of the hat but I cry too at the similar speed. I realized that it’s not that bad because at least I am done with the emotion there and then and do not keep any residue inside for too long.

Third, fourth and fifth day went in concentrating on the breath and sensations on my body. I was busy keeping myself warm and also concentrating on my breath. However, the entire focus kept going to aches and pains in different parts of my body. From the fourth day onwards, we were to sit completely still for three hours in a day. My legs fell asleep and it did not stop there. I felt that maybe they will just fall out of my body. My shoulder blades were being nailed with pain. My neck was stiff, my muscles there felt numb and also stretched beyond their capacity. They teach us to be aware and be equanimous about any sensations or pains that we feel in our body. I wondered whether I would ever be able to see my pain as an observer and not just feel it as a bearer.  

I was already dreading the sixth day as I remembered Mr. Goenka’s words. However, it went like a breeze. By this time, I started feeling the flow in my body. I could sit still and pain in certain parts of my body started subsiding. I was very happy with the progress. The next day, i.e. the seventh day, I couldn’t wait to go back to meditation hall and experience this flow again. Bam…no sensations. As if my body went dead to any sensations. I went to the teacher seeking for some sort of extraordinary explanation but all I got was to understand the true nature of things i.e. impermanence. Everything is changing and hence do not get attached to good or bad feelings. I was not satisfied with the answer but decided to go on and see if what she said makes any sense in the later days. 

The eight day was much better as I could again feel the sensations. Best of all was that my body had started becoming better at sitting and bearing pain. The right side of my body had no pain and the pain on my left side was considerably less and bearable. I could concentrate much better, of course not in all sessions. By this time, I started noticing the silence in the hall. Earlier there used to be noises of coughing, burping, rustling and different noises that one’s tummy makes at various stages of digestion, which disturbed my concentration. Now I noticed considerably less noises around. I could sense that it was not only me but others too that had started concentrating better. By the ninth day you could hear a pin drop falling in the hall. However, I was sort of done with meditation for now and even though I tried my best to get the same amount of focus as I had on the sixth day, I simply could not bring the same sensations back. I was already counting hours before I could leave the center. 

You could speak after 10 am on the tenth day. Funny enough for me as the chatterbox I am, I almost regretted that the silence was over. I was so peaceful and so comfortable to be in that silent state. I realized that silence brings a calm state of mind. It’s as if one’s mind is a volatile sea that becomes tranquil and serene because there are no disturbances in the form of thoughts and especially feelings. I went to the park and sat alone on the bench watching females talk. In nine days, all I had heard was chirruping of the birds all around and suddenly the place was filled with various languages, human voices and laughter. Frankly, I felt that my peace was being violated but soon this feeling gave way to curiosity. I went to the common area where males and females could see and talk to each other after ten days. I heard one guy talking to his sister about his profound experiences during the meditation. I was intrigued and started talking to her. That was when I found my spiritual guide about whom I shall write in a separate blog.

I do not know what kind of changes this meditation will make in my life. But my take away from this course are as follows. First, I physically experienced that every craving and every aversion does lead to unhappiness. Knowing it at the intellect level is quite different than experiencing it. Second, everything is indeed impermanent. My body aches disappeared in front of my eyes. Third, you can actually look at pain as an observer. This particular thing I had not grasped even at the intellect level before finishing the course. Fourth, if you become mindful of your own body and its sensations from all the feelings that you get, you could check them and also increase your response time. The most important teaching is of being equanimous but this is not an easy state to achieve. I am not sure whether I have come even close to it. However, I have already taken a tiny little step and I am happy with it. 

While being there I also realized a few things about me. The first thing was that I am not such a coward or undetermined person as I used to think I am. I did complete the course, many left midway. I also realized that being open keeps me from carrying baggage of past and this helps in moving forward. Although, it does make me snap at times or be vulnerable, but it also prevents from forming any deep scars in my heart. I did not dwell too much on the past and that is actually not a bad thing so whenever I complain that I do not remember certain things or people from the past, it’s actually a good thing. So, no more condemning myself. I realized that I actually didn’t miss anything, such as social media, news, music although certain songs did appear in my thoughts for a few times. Funny enough I did not miss any particular type of food and my cravings for snacking were also not there. These many realizations about the self in ten days is not bad I guessJ

I would recommend this course to anyone and everyone. Travel inside your heart and see what you find. Who knows you might get a hidden treasure out there.