Family Politics and dealing with it
I have just realised that one witnesses maximum amount of family politics at the time of a death in Family. I would have thought it would be more at the time of weddings but I now realise that it is more when someone dies. I recently had a death in my family and this is the conclusion I have come to.
I usually avoid going to such family gatherings but when you do go you get amazing lessons in patience and also in human tendencies. You will have cruel aunts, smart cousins, petty cousins, greedy uncles and drama queens under the disguise of well meaning in laws etc. etc. Everyone is doing better than you and everyone has an advise for you. You wonder how can life be so good for others and be a bitch for you. You feel miserable but at the same time self righteous. Aren't you the good one. At least you are not the one who pretends or snatches someone else's share or is a hypocrite or greedy or conniving or back biting. Have you ever thought how do you become soooo good. Well, isn't everyone around you bad:)
Now if you really want to see how good you are, you just have to see how bad your relatives are :). This was my way of dealing with it earlier but now I feel how petty and ignorant I have been. I try and indulge them as much as I can and I do it genuinely because I feel that they are as good or as bad as I am. If they are ignorant that they hurt others by talking or doing things in a certain way it must be the same for them when I do or talk something that they don't understand.
I am learning to focus on the positive aspects of people around me. Not that it is easy or it is enjoyable. After all what is more luscious than "Ninda rus" or pleasure in criticising :) One can spend hours doing that. However, whats the outcome of it. Few hours of feeling self righteous. It is much better to spend some quality time with positive feelings than to feel bad about the family members. It is not easy but with practice we can do it.
The trick is to avoid topics which may generate sparks or open old wounds. Also useful is to sit in the groups for a short period. It doesn't give them time to bring in topics which may offend you or which are unpleasant to you. It is also useful to avoid backbiting. In fact you can always ask your aunt to stop backbiting as it is not pleasant to you. You may have to be firm and willing to take some flake in doing so. But it is worthwhile as by doing so you are setting up a limit for her and from next time onward she will be more careful while talking to you.
Dealing with difficult family members is not easy as we ourselves have lot of baggage and past experiences to refer to. However, I have decided to change the way I look at them. I have to change my views and perceptions as I can't change theirs. I can never make them see that they were wrong in dealing with me in this way or that way so the best way to deal with them is to change my perceptions and my behaviour. Be on the neutral grounds and avoid unpleasant topics. The more positive you would feel towards them the more positive energy you will get from them.
It is a very slow and gradual process but so far this is the only one that has given me some peace of mind. I used to feel very negative each time I talked or met some of my difficult family members. I find it much more useful as I don't feel resentful and hurt or self righteous (by making everyone else look bad). As I said it is not easy, at times, I do feel angry or hurt at their behaviour but then I try and detach myself by telling myself that they know only this much and my job is to remain positive.
I usually avoid going to such family gatherings but when you do go you get amazing lessons in patience and also in human tendencies. You will have cruel aunts, smart cousins, petty cousins, greedy uncles and drama queens under the disguise of well meaning in laws etc. etc. Everyone is doing better than you and everyone has an advise for you. You wonder how can life be so good for others and be a bitch for you. You feel miserable but at the same time self righteous. Aren't you the good one. At least you are not the one who pretends or snatches someone else's share or is a hypocrite or greedy or conniving or back biting. Have you ever thought how do you become soooo good. Well, isn't everyone around you bad:)
Now if you really want to see how good you are, you just have to see how bad your relatives are :). This was my way of dealing with it earlier but now I feel how petty and ignorant I have been. I try and indulge them as much as I can and I do it genuinely because I feel that they are as good or as bad as I am. If they are ignorant that they hurt others by talking or doing things in a certain way it must be the same for them when I do or talk something that they don't understand.
I am learning to focus on the positive aspects of people around me. Not that it is easy or it is enjoyable. After all what is more luscious than "Ninda rus" or pleasure in criticising :) One can spend hours doing that. However, whats the outcome of it. Few hours of feeling self righteous. It is much better to spend some quality time with positive feelings than to feel bad about the family members. It is not easy but with practice we can do it.
The trick is to avoid topics which may generate sparks or open old wounds. Also useful is to sit in the groups for a short period. It doesn't give them time to bring in topics which may offend you or which are unpleasant to you. It is also useful to avoid backbiting. In fact you can always ask your aunt to stop backbiting as it is not pleasant to you. You may have to be firm and willing to take some flake in doing so. But it is worthwhile as by doing so you are setting up a limit for her and from next time onward she will be more careful while talking to you.
Dealing with difficult family members is not easy as we ourselves have lot of baggage and past experiences to refer to. However, I have decided to change the way I look at them. I have to change my views and perceptions as I can't change theirs. I can never make them see that they were wrong in dealing with me in this way or that way so the best way to deal with them is to change my perceptions and my behaviour. Be on the neutral grounds and avoid unpleasant topics. The more positive you would feel towards them the more positive energy you will get from them.
It is a very slow and gradual process but so far this is the only one that has given me some peace of mind. I used to feel very negative each time I talked or met some of my difficult family members. I find it much more useful as I don't feel resentful and hurt or self righteous (by making everyone else look bad). As I said it is not easy, at times, I do feel angry or hurt at their behaviour but then I try and detach myself by telling myself that they know only this much and my job is to remain positive.
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